I’ve been such good friends to so many people through the years and to date I don’t have one friend to speak of or that I can even talk to. I keep my feelings bottled up inside every single day of my life and I just have some days when I just feel I can’t cope with my life.
I smile in everyone’s face like I am so happy and everything is okay but, inside I a suffering and dying. I know it’s hard for people to understand the way I feel. Believe me it’s hard for me to understand.
I don’t want people to judge me and think I am crazy, because I am not…….I’m just hurting and I can’t figure out why. And when you have a pain you want it to stop and you’ll do anything you can to stop the pain. That’s why I drank and smoked weed. I just wanted to just numb the pain, because I didn’t know how to stop it.
My Bipolar depression effects my whole world including my family, and I feel so bad that I can’t function as I want to. I have so many feelings and emotions that go through my mind at any given time.
Getting out of bed in the morning is a chore, and that’s when I get sleep. Right now I haven’t slept more that 3 hours in 2 weeks and I know that doesn’t help my psyche much, but there is nothing I can take to help with that. I have abused medications that had helped me sleep and I don’t want to go through that again……so I’ll just deal with it.
I can’t talk to people because no one seems to understand or even care. My family doesn’t understand what I am going through. My husband really doesn’t understand. I know he wants to, but between him and my mom they think this is something i can control and they don’t understand my feeling. I guess I shouldn’t be mad, because I can’t even understand my feelings. so, since I don’t have anyone to talk to (friends, family) I keep my feelings bottled up inside and I say ‘I’m fine’ and i smile.
I don’t trust people, because they always end up hurting me or treating me like crap. I could never understand what was wrong with me, why people never seemed like I was important enough. My husband says that it doesn’t matter what people think about me….it’s more important how you feel about myself. He’s right!
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